Oh, I’ve Been on Tinder

‘I am very hungry which means nothing about our relationship except that I will yell at you until I fall asleep.’ Already I am dissatisfied with that statement and I erase it immediately from my tinder profile. Making one of these is hard. So i type again. ‘When my big brother died all i felt was this dull pain at the back of my head which i tried to get out with nail clippers. It didn’t work and i have several crescent moon scars at the back of my hair line, which often get mistaken for the mark of the Beast (this is Satan’s mark for those of you not familiar with the Book of Revelations). Believe me, it has not made my job easy. When i go to someone’s house to bless it, and get the spirits gone i need to not appear as one of the dark lord’s minions. I am a priest. I am! I’m a priest. And just because i was ordained online and bear the mark of the beast, or what resembles the mark of the beast Does not make me less a priest than you, your uncle, or the ship’s captain who was probably also ordained online as a ship’s captain. So when you got to sleep’— omg that was terrible. Okay so I delete that too. I’m missing the point here. There has got to be a way to get myself out there without getting into the murkiest parts of my personality. “One more time,” i say to myself inside my head. Then I stare at the keyboard outside of my head as if i was the keyboard, looking at it confused like, “why aren’t you moving, since you’re me?” I snap out of that and briefly consider typing a bio that details the way i confuse myself with objects. But I move beyond that before even typing. I’m a fast learner. So instead of typing anything i use the little heart emoji. I say ‘I like to party. And i love everyone.’ And then I do this little thing i like to call beguiling the gypsies where i say something like, ‘my shop has plenty of wares.’ Now all i have to do is wait patiently.


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