Xohn stared at his Dell black big ol’ laptop. He had been staring at his computer for over 37 consecutive hours. All his friends were concerned about him, but his game wasn’t going to code itself. His eyes zeroed in on the top right corner of the monitor where the time was located. It was 6:48 am. Time for dinner.
He looked at his iPhone 6s. Although he had set his phone to full brightness, the snapchat notification appeared purple instead of yellow and the entire screen was extremely dim. Those Apple motherfuckers, he thought to himself. They just make products designed to break.
He was worried that his phone was permanently fucked up. He thought about turning it off and then on again, but then what if it never turned on again? Then he would have no phone, which also meant no map, he couldn’t find his way.
He brushed his female-length black hair from his face as he stared at the blank wall of his dark dorm room. He heard the song “Send Bobs” by Hovey Benjamin blasting from his roommate’s room. Why are you like this? Xohn thought to himself. Why didn’t he like real music, like Car Seat Headrest or Radiohead. Not that hippy hop rap crap. He didn’t do EDM like his friends from home. He was above that.
He got up from his desk chair, opened the door, and entered the common space he shared with Beb, his roommate. He leaned below the sink and stove and opened their shared refrigerator to take stock of his dinner options. Okay, so, Beb ate all of our rice, that fuck. Okay, so we have eggs, and a jar of some chickpeas in some kind of liquid. Is that brine? Okay, so none of that. I don’t feel like making shit right now. Wait what is that? Ice cream? No, I ate ice cream for lunch at midnight.
He turned to the table across from the fridge. He immediately overlooked the onions and paper towels and eyed the large red mesh bag which contained between 15 and 20 oranges.
“Hey Beb, can I have one of your oranges?,” Xohn asked. Something moved behind the locked door. Beb had placed a towel at the base of his door to seal the air so that the smell of marijuana would not leave his room but would instead lead out the window, aerodynamically.
The door opened. “Yeah man, I got that bag at the Carrefour for like 1.30, so go ahead.” Every one of Beb’s responses to a request for borrowing his personal property involved a careful consideration of how much he had paid for it.
Xohn took the first orange that he saw on top. It was elliptical, not a perfect sphere. The top and bottom bulged out, making the shape more like a lemon. The skin was stained with green splotches and the orange color seemed to be fading, giving it a more pale and sickly appearance.
Xohn was hungry so he ate the orange quickly, peeling and eating two segments at a time. He thought, damn, that orange was dry and unsatisfying. He wanted another orange. This time, he didn’t ask Beb, who by now had to be one of the most high people in the world. Beb was an aspiring Soundcloud rapper so he was smoking grams of weed to stimulate the creative process, and then recording his raps.
“Im so great, im gonna steal your girl, we gotta change the world, donald trump make me hurl…”
Xohn seized this opportunity and began searching through the bag for the perfect orange. They all had little imperfections, except for this one orange that caught his eye. This was a perfectly round orange, spherical and smooth like Europa, a beautiful vibrant color with no other marks. He smelled it and it smelled like when he pranced through the orange fields of Alaska with his auntie and uncle back in ’09. Ah, what Xohn wouldn’t have given for it to be ’09 again.
Armed with his perfect orange, he stuck his thumb and began to peel, and by lord, he undressed the flesh perfectly. The skin was removed in one spiral, from top to bottom. The orange peel laid on the table, perfectly in one piece, and it even removed that gross white thing from the center that we all hate.
Wow, he thought, this must be my lucky orange. My luck is turning around.
He began to eat the orange. The first segment was perfect, it tasted like how you imagine the perfect orange tastes. There was no bitterness in the white membrane, it was all sweetness. The second segment was the same. Feeling himself, he bit into his third segment and he was jarred by a crunch.
He was so enthralled by his orange that he actually swallowed the orange’s seed. Oh shit, he thought to himself. The white wall began to turn blue and start spinning. He stood up form his chair and his knees were wobbly. Oh my god, he thought to himself, this is the end. He all of a sudden felt the contractions. He looked down at his pregnant belly and he knew that he was about to give birth. Oh my god, this is what moms go through. He laid back on the floor and began pushing. He pushed harder than he ever had. Beb heard the screams and came in. “bite this pillow, yo! We don’t want the RA to come!”
“GGGGGHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHAHAHAHHAHAhaHAHHHAAAGGGGGGGGG,” said Xohn.
All of a sudden, a beautiful orange tree was born. Xohn stood up, with some new energy, yet still extremely tired from his labor. He began to cuddle the tree with a motherly affection and tenderness. Oranges fell from the tree and Beb and Xohn decided to start an orange business with their new tree.