I walked into the Mcdono’s on a day that reminded me of Pearl Harbor for some reason. I was here for one thing and one thing only. The sole purpose of my visit was for the free food voucher I found in my Goat Facts Monthly magazine subscription. I was naive in thinking that the only problem might be the blood stains on the bottom right corner of the food voucher.
I almost ran into the person that was struggling to move their motorized cart into the dining and ordering area. A seemingly absurd amount of time was spent observing the sweaty struggles of this woman who looked like that one blue girl from the chocolate Johnny Depp film. I was thinking about how well trained the squirrels were in the film when the giant blob finally plopped out through the door frame.
It was a moot point to try and pass her, for her body spilled off the seat into the walking area on both sides of her. I was now standing in line wondering about whether or not I would be able to train my own rodents to do menial tasks, such as opening shelled peanuts for me. I figured they would be practical for short term, but the overall maintenance and training wouldn’t make them worth the investment. A strange looking fellow in a trenchcoat bumped into the back of me, and upon a brief look I found it was one kid sitting on another kids shoulders. The two didn’t even have the trench coat buttoned up! Both their eyes followed me as I turned back to face the front of the line.
The large lady was now screaming at the skinny cashier staring blankly at the ceiling. A small dribble of spit hung off the corner of his mouth. His blank stare drifted occasionally to the register, but as soon as I believed this woman’s order was finished the cashier collapsed. On que two large black fellows in almost blinding white scrubs marched synchronized towards the twitching employee laying on the ground. A heavy grunt was the only noise that escaped the two brutes as they hoisted the now foaming cashier to an unknown area behind a set of double doors.
There was no noise excluding the pops and crackles of the frying machines for a brief moment, then an ear-piercing screech followed by a cackling laughter echoed throughout the relatively small building. The grill let out a large sizzle as strange meats were sloshed out of the aluminum cans the restaurant ordered in bulk. I let out a sigh of relief just before the double doors exploded outwards emitting a huge bang. The cashier from before now stood between the doors with a huge grin reaching ear to ear. His cheeks pushed his eyes up because of the intensity of his happiness.
He looked to both his left and right before skipping past his coworkers in the kitchen around him. He literally hopped back to his place behind the register and almost shouted at the morbidly obese woman, “Sorry for the interruption! I had to RETHINK my customer services. HOW may I take your order this FANTastic day madam?!” I pondered whether this was worth losing my previous train of thought on squirrel labor forces.
I stop paying attention as she lists off every item she planned on purchasing. She pointed all over the menu, ordering seemingly everything on the menu in a sporadic pattern. The large pile of food eventually was processed and brought to the half cyborg half whale creature i’ve had the misfortune of orbiting behind.
The cashier said to her, “Have a great day ma’am, and I hope you enjoy your super Mcdono calorie cuisine!” Her mouth simply opened to seemingly impossible lengths, and began annihilating the platter before her before even moving out of my way.
I stared at the mess of food flying around the whole restaurant at the cashier floated three feet to the right directly towards a broom, still having the smile stapled onto his face in a permanent expression. The food stopped splattering over the counter for a second, but then flew in larger chunks over the cashier when the obese woman began to gag. The employee was about to say something, perhaps offering assistance, when a large bone shot out of the woman’s throat landing directly in the open mouth of the cashier.
He spit the moist bone onto the counter and directed his unmoving smile back towards the large customer. Before he could say whatever is he had planned, the woman began screaming “I ordered my flipping POTATO sauce BONELESS!” The two kids in the trenchcoat were still behind me, they were just being quiet. Upon hearing the sound of a bone hitting the counter, the closeted paleontologist working the drive through window leaped over at the chance to see a bone.
As the hairy man slid across the counter towards the bone, he let out a hiss in addition to spittle flying out in varying directions. His stubby fingers snatched it off the counter while nobody even moved in any attempt to intervene whatsoever. The paleontologist now stood on the counter raising the dripping bone towards clearer light for analysis. He sniffed the bone in one final inspection, then proudly declared that he was indeed holding a bone.
The two children behind me unzipped their faces, and a federal agent slid smoothly out of the clever disguise. The pure joy in the paleontologist’s face drained instantly upon this sight. Before he could make any other reaction the agent had his taser ready and shouting, “Illegal practice of paleontology and possession of bones break federal law #41309-B! Drop the bone and put your hands on your head!” The paleontologist knew he would be sent to the work-camp for this, so he made one final escape attempt. He lunged for the drive through window, hoping to make it into a passing car. The taser flew through the air much faster and struck the paleontologist in the taint.
I was standing in awe of the pure majestic beauty of the soggy bone dancing with the electrified man tumbling through the resteraunt air. I shed a tear even as he fell onto the hot oil fryer, launching the boiling contents onto the fat lady still in line preventing me from getting my free food. There was a long continuous screech, and the blueberry body began to resemble a raison more and more. She began to sink lower and lower into her robotic transportation, eventually leaving nothing more than a smelly pile of liquid goop.
The federal agent leaped over the counter and began beating the fallen paleontologist. The cashier began to focus on sweeping up the mess with one eye, and focused on taking my order with the other. I thought for a second about my coupon, and then told the cashier my true feelings. I shared with him secrets never before heard by anyone, and for a brief second he saw into my inner soul.
I put a single finger over his wide smile when he began to respond to my declaration, and said my final farewell. The coupon was left on the grave of my pet table lamp, who suffocated to death while I was away at pray-away-the flavor camp. My spicy meatballs are the only thing accompanying my table-lamp and coupon now-a-days. Some speak legends that the paleontologist is still being kicked to this day, but I believe in no heroes. I only believe in George’s grain mills. They are the only grain mills certified by me, George. They store grain extremely well in addition to all your victims. Starting prices at $238.83 wherever lawn mowers are sold.