Tactical Ding Dong Ditch – W. Jenson

Peering around the sofa, I crawl slowly toward the edge getting a better view of the hallway towards my brother’s door. No brother in sight. After taking off my shoes, I silently dart toward the empty laundry basket that lays just outside my brothers room. Carefully, I get into the empty laundry basket. I wait. At the perfect timing, I push open the lid, pushing an arm out. Knock knock knock. Quickly pulling my arm back into the lid, and lowering the lid slowly, I see him peep out the door. The door pops open, he looks to the right, the left. The door closes.

I repeat the process, banging significantly harder. He comes out of his room quickly, screaming “Who the hell is banging on my door!!” I suppress my laughter. He goes back.

I decide to bring the evil out in me, extending one arm across the hall to my sister’s room, and one to the side to my brothers. I knock on both doors at the same time. I pull myself back into the tiny covered box. WHAM! One door flies open, the one across the hall shortly after. My brother and sister scream accusations at each other.

After they return into their rooms, I do a tactical ninja combat roll away from my hiding place. Sprinting into the garage, I grab my 1995 paintball gun, discovering I can put a new pack of bounce balls in the hopper. I load the weapon and open the window at the end of the hall. From outside, I cover my position, and gain some distance so I don’t poke holes in the door, and shoot.

I alternate shooting rapid fire between each door. My siblings peer out, recognizing my ammunition. They hunt for me. In tactical fashion, I run. Fast. They hear me, and they catch up to me. I shoot them in the stomach, and run faster up the creek and around a hill to gain ground on them. I pour more shots on them. They can’t find me, but they know I’m somewhere. They give up and go home.

I return a few hours later. My siblings immediately grab me and stuff me in a plastic tub, duct taping it shut. They have the kindness to put air holes in the top, and leave me outside.

True story, Circa 1995, 13 YOA.


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