The Midnight Pee – C. Hargitay

Image result for outline of door at night

The springs of the bed coiling back into place woke me up. My husband was getting out of bed for his midnight pee. I usually don’t wake up for his routine but our early bed time had left me more awake than normal. I could follow his path to the bathroom by the sound of his settling bones. Even with adjusted pupils the bedroom was pitch black. Sure the blackout curtains were expensive, but worth every penny.

A flash of light ending with a door shutting let me know he made it to the bathroom. Another successful night. I fluffed the pillow and tossed my hips until I made a comfortable nest in my bed. Buzzing from the overhead fan sliced through the silence and my eyelids got heavy. Right before I fell asleep a loud THUD interrupted the pattern of fan noise. I watched the yellow rectangle outlining the bathroom door, wondering if I should check on my husband. I pushed the covers off to get to my feet but stopped when the lights flicked off and I heard the door squeak open. I pulled the covers up, told my husband not to trip while returning to bed, and settled back in my nest.

The mattress pulled me toward my husband when he crawled back into bed. I snuggled up next to him for heat, since I am always cold and he is always hot. It makes our relationship mutually beneficial. His back was unusually cold, so I hugged around his shoulders and asked what the loud THUD was. He didn’t answer so I assumed he was already asleep. I started running my fingers through his beard and he slowly started to warm up.

I remembered I never heard a flush, so I asked him why he didn’t flush the toilet. Still not responding, I tried waking him with a push in the back. I asked again and only got a grunt for a reply. I stopped rubbing through his beard and pushed him harder for a straight answer. After another grunt he left the bed, walked into the living room, and closed the door to our bedroom. I listened while odd noises rumbled from the living room. I turned the lamp on and got to my feet, but stopped myself from opening the bedroom door when I remembered something.

My husband stopped growing his beard out last year.

As I ran to the bathroom I found my husband sprawled unconscious on the floor. After grabbing my phone I returned to the bathroom where my husband was starting to regain consciousness. I locked the bathroom door and did my best to explain to the 911 operator my situation with my hyperventilating words. By the time my husband was completely back, the police and ambulance were arriving.

I noticed the missing television immediately as we walked through the living room towards the ambulance. The paintings on the wall were gone and my purse was absent from its usual resting place. I’m sure other objects were missing but it is of little concern. I helped my husband to the ambulance. The police were willing to drive me to the hospital and get my statement there. On the way to the officer’s car we jumped over muddy tire tracks left by the bearded thief.


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