I AM DONE. And I mean that both literally and figuratively. I am officially done with my grad school thesis – it’s turned in an everything. I also still hate it. Due to the guidelines imposed by my school (which I completely understand and generally agree with), it just turned into something I’m not that happy with. But that’s okay.
The thing is, I think the reasons I don’t like this project are simply that 1) I am my own worst critic, and 2) I kind of hated the whole guided-writing process. I didn’t like reaching what should have been a minor setback, looking at the word count, and realizing I’d just written my climax because I didn’t have enough words left to accomplish what I wanted. I didn’t like having to stop and edit halfway through. I didn’t like people critiquing my story piecemeal, without having necessarily read the whole thing (imagine jumping into the middle of a book, reading ten pages, and then having to tell the author what you think about it). There were a lot of things that didn’t work for me, but I still learned a ton.
Finishing this project taught me that I can actually finish things, even if they suck, which is something I needed to learn. It also taught me how to be a better writer, because I had to find solutions to problems I much rather would have just deleted. I didn’t have time to second guess myself or get rid of entire chapters I didn’t think were working. I had to just figure it out. Most importantly, I learned to trust my own ideas, which is something I struggled with a lot. And that’s honestly what I wanted out of this process. I feel more comfortable and confident moving forward and writing something I actually think is good.
I still don’t feel like a writer (which isn’t saying much, because I’m pretty sure I could make the NYT Bestseller list and still suffer from imposter syndrome). But my dream of becoming one feels more attainable. And the fact that I actually got my masters and did something for me feels amazing in itself.
Thank you all for supporting me along the way! The fact that so many of you were rooting me on was what kept me going some days, and it means a lot. Now we can all celebrate me being done since I can now do whatever the hell I want on the weekends, and you don’t have to hear me bitching about it anymore.
P.S. For those of you asking to read it, I’m 92% sure this thesis will never see the light of day. I resent it too much to turn it into something I feel comfortable publishing and I’m okay with that. Sorry! However, I am working on a few other writing projects at the moment that are going very well, and I might share excerpts of those, because I do want to get back to publishing some creative writing on this blog.